Below is one of Sharon’s letters. She wrote many, usually chock-full of good advice, and I’m slowly digging them out for posting. Names of others than Sharon and me have been retracted for privacy’s sake. If I interrupt in the middle to give context it is [square bracketed],
C.,
Hi. Where to start? So many things I want to comment on. Well, here goes.
First, I’m glad that the e-mail was appropriate. Yes, I second guess myself sometimes, but it’s also an attempt to remind myself to be humble. That I’m fallible. And so often I find myself quite literally working in the dark. But I would say that I’m not the one that knows whats going on in your head. One of my favorite prayers as a child was the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi which goes:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved, as to love,
For it is in giving, that we receive
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned
And it is in dying, that we are born to eternal life.
There is an old joke about being careful what you pray for because you are liable to get it. Did I love the prayer because it already was my path, or did loving the prayer make my path the way it is? I don’t know and I don’t even knows if it matters. I would say that often I’m guided by the Holy Spirit (in a more fun time, this aspect of God was referred to as the Holy Ghost and made rhyme schemes in hymns much easier, sorry, I digress) and have found stuff coming out of my mouth that I didn’t even know I was going to say. This is not to lay any blame for my errors onto God. Unfortunately He has to work with humans who can get things wrong. I think that most of the time I get it right, but hey, I’m human, I’m wounded, and sooner or later I’m going to mess something up.
I like what the Buddhists say about how you should judge whether or not you say something (or in this case, e-mail it), and it goes like this: Is it the truth? Is it necessary? And is it kind? Although, it sounds simple, it will have an element of subjectivity to it. Who of us really ever knows the truth? But we should always tell the truth as we see it and to own that it is not an absolute, just what we think is the truth. (There is no excuse for those who manipulate truth into lies for whatever reason–ie dishonest people.) Is it necessary is a judgement call. Telling someone that they look horrible when they are sick is not only not necessary, it certainly is not kind. And sometimes when it is necessary, the person isn’t ready to hear it. They may need to hear it, but it’s not the right time. That requires patience. Or giving it to them in smaller pieces. I’m not for withholding truth when someone is in pain and needs it, but I think one needs to have a light hand with it, and probably a lot of trust in God that both they will be guided to the right words and speed, and that things are unfolding according to His wishes and that may just take time.
Living in such an instant culture, it is hard sometimes not to want to hurry things. But healing, etc., just takes the time it takes. The last is to be kind with one’s words. Some people use the truth to abuse others. That is never ok. There is always a kind way. And if you can’t figure out a kind way, you should keep your mouth shut. It really comes down to holding other fragile creatures the way you (also a fragile creature) would like to be held. That does not mean that, even with the best of intentions, mistakes will not be made. Since it is subjective, it is relative to one’s individual experience. Words can have emotional overtones to one individual that would never occur to another. So when and if I blow it, just remember the Buddhists. Give me the benefit of the doubt, that I intended no harm, tell me what’s wrong and give me a chance to respond appropriately. You have a right to claim your hurt and to check it out. And I also know this, as one is finding their voice, they are likely to overreact. Don’t get me wrong on this, it doesn’t mean that a reaction was incorrect, it may just be stronger than even the person meant. When I was learning to express my anger (something that I for more than one reason was either not safe or allowed me as a child) my expression of it was more than was appropriate. It’s like a pendulum swinging. When it’s swung too far one way, it has to swing too far the other way until it eventually finds a middle place. So if you’ve been silenced too long, your first words may come out as screams. Pent-up or stagnant energy being released. Like a steam pipe blowing. I’ll keep that in mind. But I won’t ignore the underlying response. Anger is anger. Fear is fear. Worry is worry. Grief is grief. Joy is joy. It’s ok. It’s part of the process. That doesn’t mean that I’ll let you go too far, I don’t mean that. But been there, done that, I’ll cut you some slack.
Which is a great segue into trusting your emotions. Here’s the thing, emotions are not the enemy. You were taught that so that others could control you. And might I ask, exactly what have you stayed in control of? From personal experience, staying in control of my emotions did nobody, including myself, any good. I would put up with things until I finally blew up. Well, that wasn’t very trusting of others around me. That denied them opportunities of growth. It denied me peace. It denied me getting what I needed. It allowed others to violate my boundaries with my tacit agreement. It kept from others what my boundaries were. It kept me from discerning those I should keep in my life from those I should get rid of. If you call somebody on something, and they acknowledge in an appropriate way that they understand and are sorry or whatever is required, and you see a concomitant change of behavior, your knowledge of the safety of having that person in your life increases. If on the other hand, you call somebody on something and they refuse in whatever way to acknowledge any validity to your complaint, you know where that person is not safe for you. Depending on the seriousness or the eventual breadth of their “unsafeness” you may decide to remove that person from your life. But you have to trust your emotions to call them out and determine this. How in the world can you possibly feel safe around anyone if you can’t be you? And that includes your emotions.
However, here’s a caveat. Sometimes over-emotions are a sign of unresolved trauma that has to be dealt with. If you have a lot of unexpressed anger, for example, from childhood, there is a risk that expressing anger of any sort may tap into this and inappropriately really notch things up. So, you have to deal with the trauma, and you have to get the anger out. Also, you have to have people in your life that 1) are safe, 2) that know about the trauma, ie, you’ve really shared experiences with, and 3) that are willing and able to deal with the outbursts and help you get down to what is really bothering you or coming up because they left the cap off of the toothpaste. And you also have to find ways to get the anger out. To un-silence it, so to speak. I did a lot of it in my poetry and my other writing. Some people hit pillows. Some people do angry art. Some people run it out of their systems. Anger is an emotion of action. I’m sorry, but all of the quiet meditation in the world will not release that emotion. You have to act. Sometimes that’s an act that changes your life. Grief and worry, I suspect are emotions that could most effectively be dealt with by meditation, prayer, etc. because they are not really emotions of action. Not sure about fear. But I’m sort of leaning towards action on that one too. Obviously, joy is an emotion of action. Who, truly in a state of joy, can sit still?
So here’s the question to really ask (especially since I seemingly have argued both sides of the coin) what part of you not trusting your emotions is a result of 1) others teaching you that having any emotion is not allowed to you 2) unresolved trauma that needs work on your part to give vent to those emotions and 3) just a result that you just don’t trust yourself in any way, manner, shape or form? I would suspect that it is a mixture of the three.
So, you need to work on strategies for healing all three. Here’s the things about other people’s perspectives (including mine) they don’t mean a damn thing unless they resonate with you. What do you think that really means? IT MEANS THAT YOU DO TRUST YOURSELF ABOVE OTHERS! You choose the people you let into your life, including B. including me. You choose the people you listen to. You can also choose to change your mind. Question is: do you want to be the leaf in the wind or do you want to admit to yourself that you’re the wind? You were taught that you were responsible for being sexually assaulted as a six-year-old. You weren’t. But I think this really confused you about responsibility. It can be confusing when you are taught that you have power over things that you don’t, and that you don’t have power over things that you do. I know this, also, from personal experience. So you need to sort this out in your own mind. Because how can you change your life if you really haven’t owned what you are in control of and have accepted what you’re not in control of? This is the first thing that is the basis of AA, NA, GA, and the other self-help groups. You know the Serenity prayer? God, grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference. You might want to do some meditating in this area. You know you better than anybody other than God. The rest of us out here are just the Greek chorus. Or should be.
I think it’s Harville Hendrix that wrote a book on “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Married Couples” a number of years back that posits the theory that in our adult relationships we try to go back and make what didn’t work in our childhood work. It wasn’t until he understood this, that he found that he started actually being able to help married couples who were having difficulties in their marriage. Sort of a deeper understanding of the opposites attract. For instance, the child that was smothered will marry somebody else that will smother them, at the same time withdrawing, and the smotherer is smothering them because their parents were withdrawn. It’s a bizarre two-step. But it does explain why we marry who we do. I actually figured this out accidentally before I read his book, but it would have saved me (and Frank) a lot of grief if I had figured it out sooner. I’m a recovering perfectionist. Frank is irresponsible in some ways. It irritated me that he didn’t take the care I thought he should, doing some things. Until it hit me one day, that what angered me, wasn’t that the job wasn’t getting done perfectly, but that I had never had permission to do anything less than perfectly! Once I realized that, I started lightening up on myself. I’m not perfectly imperfect yet, but at least I have a sense of humor about it now, and I catch myself more often than not. I do jobs the best I know how, but I don’t require that I do jobs perfectly. And Frank is more responsible. So, if a couple understands this, you can actually help each other heal in a healthy way and find the middle.
And I think you may not have entirely understood me. You don’t have to stop being that scared little girl. You have to protect and comfort that scared little girl. Those are two vastly different things. I want to be clear on this. I am NOT telling you to toughen up. I am telling you to start taking care of yourself. Here’s an example of what I mean. A person hits their knuckles with a hammer until they bleed. They think they should toughen up and suck up the pain and keep hitting their knuckles. I think they should quit hitting themselves with the hammer. Hopefully, maybe that will explain it better. Maybe you misspoke (miswrote) yourself. I don’t know. But words are important. How you say things is important. You are constantly sending yourself messages. I want you to be sending yourself the correct (or at least what I think is correct) messages. You have to comfort and protect the scared little girl. She probably will be with you for the rest of your life. But she can come to trust you and depend on you and your life will be better. And in the process, since you will have gotten it right, you will not have to reenact your childhood. In a way, our past always defines us. But there is not only one definition. You’re dealt a hand in poker. You have no control over the cards you get. Only how you play the hand. The cards in our life never change. Only how we play them. If you want different results, play them differently. You can always go back to playing them the old way. But try something different.
Here’s what I know about relationships (figured out when I was way too rational, and added to along the way). People make a great deal out of sex, but if you think about it rationally, the time spent on it out of a lifetime with a person, or in a relationship, is not a significant portion of it. Do the time calculation if you must. Anyway, so there had better be more going for a relationship than sex. Especially after factoring in things like illness, accidents, and the inevitable slowing down with age. Ok. So what else is there. Humor. Spirituality. Life Goals. Pleasures (besides sex, like art, eating, sports, movies, traveling, sky diving, etc.) Priorities, which has more to do with how you order and value things and what wins out in a competition. For Frank and me it’s God, family, and work with some ordering within those things. It’s different for different people. Philosophy on how you live you life. These are all actually intertwined, but they are things that impinge on a relationship and how safe it is for you. Two people can be of the same religion but have a very different sense of spirituality. People can have different needs of alone time versus companionship time. People have control issues. You get the idea. But how can you know what you need in a relationship if you first don’t know who you are? Not that any of us ever even know ourselves completely, but you’ve got to have an idea of what direction you’re pointed in. And it seems to me, from reading between the lines, that one of the things you want, is to really be loved for something other than your looks. And this is why you feel strangled/trapped by pretty words. Because what you really want to know is, will they be there for you when you need them? Will they love you when the bloom of youth is gone. Do they care what you think? Can they just sit with you in silence and be happy? Do you have to be somebody else to please them, or will they just love the You, good or bad? A long time ago I came across a quote that I rather like because of a point it makes. “You like somebody because, you love somebody although.” Now I love Frank for a lot of reasons, but I also love him for a lot of althoughs. I know his faults and I still love him. He knows mine, and still loves me. I can be me. I can be the best me around him because I am also safe being the worst me around him. I don’t have to worry about being “found out”. I don’t have to worry about being “found wanting”. And I don’t think that I’m much different from other people. In the end we all want to be loved and to feel safe. But sometimes (if not all of the time) our wounds get in the way and we have to work at overcoming them.
Bottom line is this. You have to learn how to be alone with yourself. I know. That sounds counter-intuitive. But if you can be happy with being you and being just with yourself, then whether or not somebody else is with you is not a matter of life or death (I exaggerate here, but I think you know what I mean), a joy when it happens and an opportunity to be alone with yourself when it doesn’t. Methaphor coming. The difference is between a sailboat tossed by the sea and a sailboat with a sailor who has their hand on the tiller. One is in constant chaos, the other is going to get where it’s going. Your happiness should not be dependent on other people.
This does not mean that others do not contribute to our happiness. It just means when we do the things that you describe doing, something else is going on that really is only marginally connected to the other people that are involved. They’re more like furniture one chooses to set a stage with for a play. So what are you trying to set the stage for? If you can figure that out, then maybe you can start setting it differently. If you’re scared of rejection it’s because you were rejected, most likely by your family as a child. You’re scared that they were right in rejecting you. After all, they’re your family and anybody’s perspective is more important than yours (this should be making you a little bit angry), but who in the hell are they to determine your worth? And just because they didn’t like you, that does not mean that everyone else will dislike you. Just as you would not expect everybody to like you. That would be absurd. That does not mean that everybody shouldn’t be civil. But we choose tribes. We choose people we can share things with. Very seldom do we ever find someone that we share everything with. That’s what makes us individuals. We are a unique combination of talents and interests. We have different curiosities.
I’m not trying to dismiss your sense of aloneness. It’s hard. But you can be even more alone with others, if they are not the right others. In a way, that is setting yourself up for failure and for reinforcing the messages you got from your family that you should be rejected. You are not unlovable. And the sad thing is, I doubt the people who you have felt are rejecting you are really aware of it, they’re probably too busy running around trying to prove to themselves that they’re lovable. You have to learn to love yourself first. Or another way to look at it is that the more you love yourself, the more you can love others. And perhaps, the more you can choose others that will love you.
Perhaps, as a practical matter, you just need to slow things down. If it only used to take you 30 minutes before you started up a relationship, perhaps you need 2 hours of face time. I’m just throwing out an example. Don’t do things fast. And don’t do things you’re not sure of. And by that I mean have a list of specific questions in mind that you want to know the answers to before you get involved. And I don’t mean trivial questions. I mean the ones that if you had known the answers to, you might have avoided some grief. The answers that would make you choose differently. These are probably going to be questions that you do not ask someone directly, but rather the ones you discern in conversation where people reveal things about themselves in little ways. If you don’t want to be a caretaker (and that might be a wise decision for a while) then automatically eliminate those people who you start to feel that you can help. It’s not that we don’t help those that we love, it’s just that is not a good way to start a relationship. Over our marriage, there have been many ways that I have been able to help Frank. But I certainly was not thinking along those lines when I was getting involved with him. If anything, it was just that I could talk to him about anything, I enjoyed his company, I found him attractive, and we had a similar value system. Take your time and do something different. At least really get to know someone before you get involved to try to save them. And you might want to consider if your brushes with death and serious illness have affected how you do things. Like, live for today because tomorrow we die? The clock is ticking. You can counter this with that it is better to live well than to live fast and sloppy. Also, as you realized, in things like this, you not only hurt yourself, but you run the risk of hurting someone else. We are all more fragile than anyone really wants to admit to. Which only ends up in the end making all of us even more fragile.
Ok, enough. This should give you something to think about. I know I said a lot. Digging oneself out of a rabbit hole is not easy, sometimes I worry that I don’t convey well enough that I understand that. I do. Painfully so. But journeys begin with a single step. You do it, you do it all, a step at a time. And since you believe in a higher power, they are always there listening. And although one doesn’t get physical hugs, one does get other hugs from the universe if one keeps one’s eyes open. God is always on our side. Hey, and with God as our cheerleader who amongst us is not going to go out on the field and give it our best shot? And on bad days, God is quite willing to listen to our rantings and ravings and not take it too personally. So keep asking for help. Just be aware that you will get the help that you need, but not always what you want. God does not magically make problems go away, but God will help us face them and find the path we need to take to solve them or walk away from them.
Which brings me to my mother. I don’t know if I’m brave. More it’s the only door left to me that doesn’t lead to an early death for me. Don’t have much use for self-help groups, never seem to work for me. But Frank and I got into family counseling because of my mother and the longterm stuff from my illness, and I like Mark. And he’s helping Frank deal with some of the stuff from his family, so I think that’s pretty helpful. My acupuncturist’s mother is manic/depressive and she tried to destroy his business, so he’s a real positive support. He’s a convert to Christianity, but he has many of the same sensibilities that I have (sometimes converts don’t really get it, and they’re a little pollyanna about stuff), so it’s doubly supporting. My first acupuncturist was an atheist and eventually it got to be too wearing not to be able to talk about God without being derided. I don’t have a problem with someone who doesn’t believe. Faith is a gift, and it comes when it comes. But I’m awfully tired of the other side being derisive towards my side. My sort of thinking is this: if you search for the truth, you’ll find God whether or not you recognize it. If you try to live a life of love, you’ll find God whether or not you recognize it. If in any way, shape, or form you try to bring light into this world to dispel the darkness, you’ll find God whether or not you recognize it. I love the line from the movie “Chocolat” where the priest is giving the Easter sermon and saying something about we are more defined by who we include than who we exclude.
I think God is all-inclusive. I use a Christian construct to frame my spirituality, but my Christianity does not limit my spirituality. Nor does my understanding of Christianity exclude people. Morality for me comes down to the question of whether or not actions are hurting or helping people. Most things are not intrinsically good or bad. It’s the context. Sex is not bad or good. Rape is bad. A caring consensual relationship is good. Food is not good or bad. Knowingly abusing your body is bad (too much food, too little food, the wrong food). Supporting your body with food is good. You get the idea. Anyway, my only concern with my mother is whether I’m doing the “Christian” thing. But enabling bad behavior is not good. Allowing myself to be emotionally abused is not good. So, I know intellectually I’m making the right decision. But like you, I have voices in my head. So, I’m adding voices like Mike’s and Mark’s and Frank’s to counter those older voices. I just wish sometimes that God would send me an e-mail like
Hey, it’s okay. Walk away, or you’ll be turned into salt. In fact, I command you to walk away.
Love,
God
Sometimes you have to walk the walk before it trickles down and feels right emotionally. As for your mother, cross the bridge when it comes. Work on getting whole now, and maybe it will be easier to deal with when the time comes. All sort of things can happen between now and then, and quite frankly, you have enough to sort through now. But likely, since you have siblings, it will only happen if they walk away. Part of my problem is that I’m an only child. And my mother has no siblings. And the likelihood may even be less likely for them walking away because they may have not been as traumatized as you have been. People have a great capacity to tolerate moderate abuse, it’s when it crosses a line that they walk away. And for future reference remember this, the strength I have to do what I’m doing comes from my understanding that God put me here to do some things, and I can’t let anything interfere with that. We all have purposes and you need to keep in contact with whether or not you are fulfilling yours. Or another way to look at it, if your mother was a stranger and she acted the way she does, would you throw her out of your life? Blood is not enough to warrant special treatment beyond a limited point. (See comments on loving someone, although). Won’t be easy. But start with that. And yes, the chain works. Mike [Sharon’s acupuncturist and how she met C.] is a former student who I impacted on positively years ago. You never know how a kindness will be repaid.
Sorry about your Grandmother. On your mother’s or father’s side? Just trying to get a picture. What’s her name? I’ll put her in my prayers (yes, I can just say C.’s grandmother and God will figure it out, but I like having a first name; it’s just more personal). As for preferring the beach for prayer, the last time I checked, God is not particular. Churches are set aside places for silence. Not everyone has access to one. But since God is everywhere, anywhere can be a place of silence. Even amidst chaos one should be able to pray. There is always a place of silence in one’s heart. But beaches are nice. The ocean and the sky remind us how truly great God is and how in the scheme of things, how small our problems really are. They seem huge to us. But the ocean and sky help to keep them in perspective. This world will pass away. We certainly shall. We do our best. We do what we can and leave the rest in God’s hands. One of the quotes I had memorized by the time I got to graduate school was from Edward Everett Hale: “I am only one man. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And what I can do, I ought to do. And what I ought to do, by the grace of God I will do.” Something to keep in mind about your grandmother. Keep focused on what you can do. Lest you not do it because you’re distracted by what you cannot do. In the end, the only thing any of us can really do is to love each other. And that, your aunt cannot stop you from doing.
We all hope for a peaceful end for those that we love, but none of us know the path of the soul. The best we can do is to walk the long goodbye with those we love, in whatever way we can, having no expectations. That’s hard. The last two of our nine cats died over the last year. None of our nine died the same. Some went fast, some went slow. Good friends all. And I knew in the end all I could do was to love them. To just be present. And patient. And let them play out their life. I do know that they all died knowing that they were loved. And I don’t think cats are much more secure than people. I sometimes think that death is the last test–do you really love me now that there’s nothing left but this shell? Will you be with me a while? Will you stay with me or will you run away at the sight of death? Is your love great enough to face the end with me? Everything else is just detail. And I know that you can give that sense of love to your grandmother.
Even if you’re not there for the actual final hours. It’s the fact that you care enough to visit. Don’t miss out any opportunities that may arise. Tell her how you feel. Tell her how sorry you are that time has so ravaged her body. We don’t teach people how to talk to each other when one is dying. It’s like an elephant in the room. The person dying doesn’t want to be a burden. The people waiting for the inevitable don’t want to come off callous. So no one talks, except about the weather. Go with your instinct (good practice). Say what you need to say. Let your grandmother say what she needs to say (if she still can). Even if her mind can no longer understand you, her spirit will. Act out of love, and don’t let fear stop you from doing what your heart wants. In the end, this is what you will remember. And when in doubt, holding someone’s hand, or other physical contact, is the only thing one can do when there are no words that can be said.
Well, this is much longer than I thought it would be. But there were so many conversations going on in my head, that the choice was either put them on paper or have them following me around. I’m sure there are things I missed or did not explain well enough. Hopefully, there’s something of use in all of this. This you might want to print out to digest in smaller portions. I like dealing with people face to face. I can see when they’re understanding what I’m trying to say and when they’re not. But there are advantages with this also, I can lay out a complete thought and look at it before I send it on. The other person can think about it. Consider it. And then tear it up. Just kidding. Oh, I don’t know. I may very well have told you everything I know. At least right now, it feels that way. I suppose we could spend the next several months discussing things brought up in either yours or this e-mail. Your choice. Just hope there’s something in all of this that helps counter some of the voices in your head of self-doubt.
Hope you have a safe and pleasant trip and a good visit with your grandmother. Going to a con the following weekend, resting up on next Thursday (a psychic told me that Thursday is my recharging day and I’m trying it out). I’m just letting you know, so if you send me an e-mail late next week why you might not hear back from me immediately. It may be because I’m otherwise engaged or exhausted, not because I don’t care. Though how anyone could think that, after this opus, well we dsyfunctional people aren’t always rational, are we? That’s more about me than you. Knowledge is power, and I know I hate not knowing what’s going on, so I’m just giving you knowledge. Thanks for letting me know that you’re going away this weekend. Therefore I won’t expect a response to this. As far as I’m concerned if you want to pick this up after October 9th, that’s fine by me. I’m sure you’re plenty busy getting ready for the trip. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t, either. But I doubt that I’ll be up to getting back to you before you leave. Tomorrow rest. Friday is Frank’s day off and we have appointments, etc.
I’ll go now. Quietly. Take care and God bless. Hugs.
Sharon
Musings of a Restless Mind 