Musings of a Restless Mind

Dear Lisa:

Received your letter. I’m glad you enjoyed the story. I don’t always use that particular dialect, actually I think I’ve only used it twice. My characters choose their dialects. If you’re familiar at all with any of Ray Bradbury’s comments on writing then you’ll know I’m not the only crazy one whose characters appear and talk to them. My characters do really seem to come out of thin air sometimes and just tell me their stories. I thought I was a little crazy until I read where Bradbury’s characters do the same thing to him. I really don’t understand where the southern dialect comes from since there aren’t any Southerners in my family although I have known a few. I guess a lot of things get stored in one’s subconscious and come out at the oddest times. I’d be glad to read any of your stories that you would like me to read. Don’t worry, all my stories aren’t this upbeat. I think writing is the way that a lot of us work out our demons. Though hopefully we write some stories that help others learn how to deal with theirs. But sometimes it’s a very slow process to find our solutions. When we are at our best as writers we turn lead into gold. [The story Sharon refers to is The Gift, found in her short story collection Facets.]

And in a slightly different vein, I’ve been thinking a lot about what you had told Ann about your daughter and your feelings and difficulties in dealing with it. I know there aren’t any simple answers in life and when it comes right down to it, everybody has to find their own. I would however, like to share some ideas with you in the hope that one or more might help you find your answers. This sort of thing is very hard to do properly in a letter but I feel it’s important that I give it my best shot, so please understand that what is offered is done so in a spirit of love for you and a deep empathy for your pain. Please feel free to ignore whatever is not useful or what does not fit with your view of the world. Also, please remember that written communication has its limitations and before picking up a book to throw at me long distance give me a chance to further explain a comment if it doesn’t set well, etc. and you can’t seem to just ignore it. But like I said, you can just toss this letter also and I’ll understand.

Before I start in, I only think it fair that I at least tell you somewhat where I’m coming from. I was raised Roman Catholic but I was always one of those who questioned everything and didn’t accept the pat answer that something was a mystery and we weren’t meant to understand some things. I always took God at his word and if he told me if I sought something I would find it, I took it to include understanding what were classified as God’s mysteries in my church. I spent a great deal of time as a youngster trying to figure things out (and still do) and have eventually come up with satisfactory answers for myself and a lot of times, for other people as well. I should say God has helped me do that. I believe very firmly that God will help you find answers if you’re willing to work at getting them and if you’re willing to hear his answers. I also studied a certain amount of philosophy in college. Also I agree with Ghandi when he said that all men seek God in their own way. I believe that Truth is one gigantic jig-saw puzzle and that we all have some of the pieces, but nobody has it all. I’m a radical Christian in that respect, but if I believe in a just and merciful God then any other conclusion negates those qualities of either justice or mercy for me. I also very firmly believe in free will which brings us to you and your problem.

When I was in college I took a course in existentialism and it was taught by an atheist. It’s then when I learned of the atheistic arguments against the existence of God. The results of their arguments culminated in the statement that if a loving God existed he wouldn’t let the bad things happen that do in our world. Which is all very fine until you bring in the idea of free will which I never heard mentioned. Some philosophers have said that this is the best of all possible worlds; some, that this is the worst of all possible worlds; and some, that this is the only possible world. I would like to stand with the last group modifying the statement to “This is the only possible world if you’re going to insist on the presence of free will”. God’s choice to allow us to choose to love him of our own free will is what created our physical world with its physical laws and also what allows the presence of evil and of bad things happening. As a parent you understand that although you would choose to protect your child as much as possible, if you’re going to let that child grow and develop then you can’t keep that child locked up in a closet to keep him safe. I believe that God’s choice to give us free will was a very difficult one for him because he knew the pain that we would suffer because of the world it would create but he also knew that for our lives and our beings to have any meaning outside of safe little robots, he had to give us free will if he loved us. Like a parent he’s always there to comfort us when we scrape a knee but he can’t always prevent the scraped knee, because that would take away our free will. And our world. I think a lot of people forget about free will and I think a lot of religions don’t always follow the idea any further than that you’re responsible for your actions. And personally, I’m awfully tired of everybody always blaming God at the first sign of something going wrong. Which brings me to my next thought.

I can’t remember the last time I heard someone blame Satan for something going wrong. And yet it was Satan who gave Job such a hard time in the Old Testament and the whole point of that story was that bad things happen to good people. A book that I think some fundamentalists should go back and read–I’m referring here to whoever that person was who implied that it was your sin that caused your daughter to get cancer, etc. Not to mention, the part in the New Testament that specifically says not to judge, less you’d be judged. I’m afraid Lisa that my blood boils when I think about what they said to you. I don’t think that was a very loving thing to say and I think we have to take very serious Christ’s second commandment of loving our neighbor as ourselves (even though I know I don’t always succeed as well as I would like) and I can’t imagine anyone who loved themselves saying that to themselves. I think something else that a lot of people forget about the Ten Commandments is that they are not arbitrary rules put down by God but his way of telling us how to live the happiest life possible on earth. From what I’ve seen of sin, the punishment is already self-contained in the sin and there’s no need for God to do anything else. I think its true that the children have to learn to live with the sins of their fathers but again that’s because there is free will. I know God hasn’t singled you out Lisa, but I fear that Satan may have because he knew this would be what would cause you the most pain and might succeed in separating you from your God. God is love, justice, mercy, and forgiveness. Satan is pain, hate, doubt and fear. Most of all he seems to prey on our fears. And he and his legions are very real. If you would like to discuss his realness in later letters, I will be more than glad to discuss some personal experiences, but at this time I just wanted to get you to consider the possibility of Satan.

The last comment I have to offer at this time doesn’t have so much to do with your finding your answers as it does with your daughter finding hers. I’ve known a certain number of people in my life who have been handicapped or in some way deprived a normal life. Or at least what the rest of us would call a normal life. I have come to think that it’s a very narrow perspective we have on what is normal. I also think we have a tendency to focus on what is not there in a person instead of what is there in a person. The “handicapped” who succeed in life (ie., are happy) are those who had people who helped them focus on what was there and not on what wasn’t. I know that your daughter has been cut off from many things, but there is still a lot she can do and I hope that you can change your focus from what your daughter doesn’t have to what she does have, because you will be her strength and she will look to you for guidance. Sometimes we have the most problems dealing with a handicap that we ourselves would find unbearable if it was ours, and yet it isn’t ours. I remember the nuns telling us that God never let you get into a situation that you couldn’t handle (or get the grace from him to handle it) but what I’ve said later in life was that they left out the second part which says that that doesn’t mean that God isn’t going to let you get pushed right up to the wall on something. I’m sure you and your daughter are pushed right up to the wall on this one, but I also believe that his grace is there to help you to the other side. But you also have to realize that God’s solutions aren’t always going to be yours. It took me a long time to understand that one. You know from class that my father is an alcoholic, what you don’t know was that he was also violent and he made a lot of threats during my childhood about killing me and my mother. I never really expected to see adulthood. I spent a lot of time praying that God would solve the problem. I finally learned to pray to learn how to deal with the problem. I now know that my father was an abused child of an alcoholic and from what I can figure out probably treated me better than he was treated. I have also learned compassion and I know he’s a very mixed-up man who’s still trying to find his way out of the jungle. Now I pray that he lives long enough to do it. When I was very young, I prayed that my father would die. I’m very glad that God didn’t listen to that prayer. Not only was it wrong for my father but it would have been very wrong for me. I share this with you only because I don’t want to think that my beliefs have never been tested. I know people who’ve had it rougher than me but I’ve never had anyone tell me I’ve had it easy either. My husband points out that it says a lot if you’re a nice person in spite of the things that have happened to you and it does you no credit if you become a mean or bitter person because of the things that have happened to you. Times I’ve caught myself feeling sorry for myself I’ve gotten involved with helping other people who needed more help than I did to get my perspective back.

I think I’ve rather strayed from what I was trying to say. I think if you try shifting your perspectives and looking at what’s happened from different angles you will find your answers. Many of us are talked to about being willing to die for our faith and most of us accept that but sometimes have a difficult time making the connection between that physical dying and the more emotional dying of our wants in the face of God’s will. Heaven is not on earth and this isn’t God’s kingdom here and yet by our words and regrets we seem to expect it to be that. Nothing of Christ’s life was easy. No one in the New Testament had it easy. Think of the heartache his mother, Mary had and she was a woman without sin. Of seeing her own son crucified as a common criminal. And he had done no wrong. I don’t think we have to go out of our way to suffer (I think ashes and sackcloth are unnecessary) but I think we have to realize that they will be a part of our life and that we’re in good company if we can learn to deal with it as Christ and his mother did. Even Christ at Gethsemane asked God to let him get out of all the suffering he knew was coming but he ended with the acknowledgement that he would accept God’s will whatever it was. That’s not an easy thing to do. But you might want to consider going back and re-reading those portions of the Bible.

By the way, I’ve been making the assumption all along that you are sufficiently familiar with the Bible to know the references I’m talking about–if I’m wrong or you would like chapter and verse please let me know. I can find them but was not raised to memorize verses and am a little lazy to go looking them up right now. But I will gladly do it if you need specific references.

Well, I think I’ve exhausted what I can think of to say right now on the subject and hopefully I have in no way made you angry but have gotten you to think on some things or consider things in a different light. If you are angry, please tell me in a letter so I can apologize or at least try explaining. I am worried about you because I can feel your pain and this is the only visible way I could think of to try to help. The invisible way, of course, is through prayers and I will remember both you and your daughter in my prayers. I hope if nothing else, we can keep this open for discussion until you find your answers.

Again, I look forward to reading one or more of your stories. No rush, I know how life gets ahead of one. I got back without major mishap, thanks for asking. I hope you have a good summer. Take care and God bless.

S. T. Gaffney