Musings of a Restless Mind

The US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) and the British Geologic Survey have reported on the latest position of the magnetic north pole, and it’s quite disturbing.

See News Now (SNN) anchor Ami Gonnacry, interviewed esteemed scientist August Peabody.

Gonnacry: “Dr. Peabody could you give us some background on this latest threat to life on Earth?”

Peabody: “The magnetic north pole has always moved around a bit due to fluctuations in the Earth’s core. In fact in 1840, when we began to get our first scientific measurements of its position, it resided in northern Canada at that time. It wandered around kind of aimlessly at about 9 miles per year until the October Revolution of 1917, then it began an accelerating northward trend, reaching speeds of 34 miles per year in the 1990s. Despite the regime change in Russia, it has continued it’s march across the arctic ice, reaching it’s closest proximity to the actual north pole in 2019 and since has shown no sign of stopping its leftward drift.”

Gonnacry: “Why would you call it a ‘leftward drift’?”

Peabody: “Well, it’s all a matter of which way you’re facing, isn’t it?”

Gonnacry: “Indeed. Now let’s go briefly to various noteworthies from Non-Governmental Organizations, think tanks, and celebrities for some perspectives on why this earth-changing trend might be important.”

Leader of the International Brotherhood for Promoting Metahumans (IBPM), Max Eisenhardt: “Whoever controls magnetism controls the world! Planes will start falling out of the sky. Life as we know it will soon cease to exist.”

US Presidential Spokesperson Ding Ling Ling: “There is no actual threat. Maybe a few Boy Scouts will get lost, but that organization has been adrift for years now. Nothing to see here. Move along.”

Obscure author S. T. Gaffney: “People are worrying about climate change caused by CO2, but the real driver of such change has traditionally been changes in Earth’s magnetic field. Have you noticed that it’s not really getting hotter, but the seasons have started to drift? Huge fires in Southern California in what we used to call winter? Cooler weather lasting into July? These are the things you should pay attention to. You do know that historically we’re overdue for the every hundred thousand year north and south polarity switch where all the compasses will begin to point south, don’t you?”

Gonnacry: “Now for some possible explanations of this alarming trend.”

World renowned inventor Dr. Victor von Doom: “Soon after taking power, Lenin began construction of an enormous set of underground magnetic attractors in Northern Siberia. What did you think all that prison labor was doing? After a temporary shutdown under Boris Yeltsin, Vladimir Putin has revived the effort with new and much more advanced technology. You can barely make it out from satellite imagery if you know where to look.”

Famous Oprah-approved “Science Guy” Walter van der Loon: “The real cause is the continued fossil fuel extraction from Canada and the US. By depleting the natural stores of underground stabilizers like oil, coal, and natural gas, we’ve created electromagnetic instability causing magnetic north to flee to more accommodating regions like Russia. We all need to stop doing whatever it is that makes us happy right away before this change is irreversible.”

World Academic Research Scientists (WARS) president Ivan Mohr: “There are several current theories as to why this is happening, and I’m in favor of researching whichever one gets us the most grant money.”

Ami Gonnacry: “That’s it for our latest report. This is Amy Gonnacry reporting for SNN, your disaster news network. Good night, and we’re all gonna’ die. Film at eleven.”

Unfortunately the W3C still refuses to create a tag for sarcasm, but no real living persons were quoted in this article. If you prefer to see the real thing, go here.